Fatally Killed

While locked away in rehab, Hunter starts a Ferndale Community College adult education course in advanced tactical macrame.

Bella’s naiveté gets the better of her once again, as she falls victim to an internet scam, sending all of her baked beans and two boxes of Luke’s used underwear to an address in Thailand. Luke discovers that he loves the feeling of life without underwear.

The advent of the DVR leads to watchers realising that they can just fast forward through any scene with Vinnie in it.

Nicole buys a cellphone so small and fashionable that she cannot distinguish it from her earrings when she accidentally drops it into her overflowing jewellery box.

Murray and Wendy bump their skipping-for-charity feud up a level with disastrous results, as Murray’s boot camp-style training regime for the teenagers causes three coronary incidents, a premature birth in the back of a taxi on the motorway and a two-way light plane crash. Meanwhile Wendy is fired after attempting to reanimated corpses from the hospital morgue to serve as team members.

After conceding that there are no more reasonable ways to hide his jowls and hair, Chris Warner is allowed to appear unobscured. Casualties are light, and it is agreed to simply limit Warner’s monologues in the future.

Wendy volunteers at the Ferndale High School’s night school programme as a life model, in an attempt to gain confidence and come to terms with her aging body.

There’s a life growing inside Vinnie and he can’t just kill it off because he’s scared.

After leaving the road at high speed and soaring through the moist Ferndale air, a runaway truck crashes through the wall of Chris Warner’s exam room at chest level, forcing Warner to see patients with his whimsical jowls and cocksure hair hidden behind the smoking wreckage.

Murray intervenes in a public fight between two sisters, who turn out to be important Russian diplomats. They gratefully invite him to a lavish state banquet where his folksy, down to earth wisdom is an instant hit. The Cooper family are surprised and dismayed to discover that they have the “ginger gene,” according to a suspicious new GP. The episode’s director of photography instructs the camera operator to film every scene from such an angle that the highest visible point of Chris Warner’s body is his lower neck, successfully removing the problem of Warner’s quivering jowls and voluminous hair.

Callum’s face finds a lucrative new job moonlighting as a millionaire heiress’ leather handbag.

Phoenix introduces Jasmin to animal husbandry, but Jasmin is upset when she developes empathetic relationships with the animals. Evan solves the impending dispute by killing and eating all of Phoenix’s livestock.

Chris Warner’s joyous jowls and proud, erect hair are censored by NZ On Air, and spend the episode concealed by a poorly composited thick black line.

Gabrielle queries her iPhone’s Siri voice assistant on the vagaries of human behaviour, but is left even more confused by the answers. Vinnie is haunted by a mischevious ghost, which encourages him to escalate his pranks to dangerous extremes. Chris Warner, obscuring his loose jowls and outrageous hair, delivers his lines from behind a copy of the Ferndale Gazette, the lead headline of which proclaims John Key to be the world champion of being pleasant at neighbourhood barbeques.

Brooke unwittingly makes a “yo mama” joke to a woman whose mother has just passed away after a long fight with throat cancer.

In an attempt to prove his virtuosity to his wary parents, Evan volunteers at the hospital. Unfortunately he finds himself increasingly attracted to an elderly patient under palleative care.

Chris Warner declares his love for various shrubs in the carpark, hiding his jowls and boyish hair behind them in the process.

Harry Warner’s new rap group, Da Saint Bart’s Six, covers The Verlaines’ classic Death and the Maiden in an ill-fated attempt to hold the attention of his Dunedin Sound-obsessed father.

Hunter’s drug problems take a turn for the sinister, as his underworld contacts introduce him to the dark art of huffing kittens, with extremely cute results.

Chris Warner holds various convenient sports equipment in front of his face for the entire episode, obscuring his jowls and foppish hair.

Inspired by this brilliant Twitter account, we thought we’d run some short form posts with alternative Shortland Street story lines. We’re sure that if these were made, we’d have a hit soap on our hands.

So, to kick it off:

The blow to Daniel’s head has damaged a mysterious implant in his brain. Jill dies as a result of her stab wounds, but it turns out she was a criminal robot gypsy mastermind all along. Luke and Bella plan their holiday to Uzbekistan, but run into money troubles and Bella uncovers Luke’s expensive and embarrassing addiction to penazzling. Chris Warner wears his surgical mask and cap for the entire episode, hiding his jowls and floppy hair.

A little late, this, but LadyNews has a yell at a thick article in Stuff over here. Sadly, the article in question is almost the most unbiased and thoughtful of all of their election coverage so far… And in a wonderful turn, the comments seem to be (when not totally incomprehensible) largely far more switched on than in your average Stuff thread. Maybe there’s hope yet.